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BLANK DREAM

Posted by pirensesjadijedi on November 13, 1999

It is late in the evening. Still there is no money in my bank account and still lonely I am. No friends, no news from the man I love… He has been far far away from me since that nightmarish Tuesday.
After a lonely breakfast, a couple of tears fell from my eyes. Then headache replaced my desire to cry out loud. I decided to go out and try to become one with the city. I was as if I was in a dream. My consciousness is around, but not with me any more. I am going where my feet are taking me to. No control of me on my body. Totally reckless I am as it is in dreams…Yes, it must be a dream. It must be a blank dream…
It is a bloody city in a bloody country, where citizens have no soul. Even the weather…It is always dark as if it is going to rain anytime and today is one of those days that the city wanted to share my sorrow and cry with me.
Before I rushed out, I took two books with me in order to read as I have my dinner, though I was not in my mood to enter the world of books –another kind of dream-. God what a hideous day today is.
A big cone of ice cream with caramel and cinnamon and a huge cream on top… Then a small tour around the Gothic Church centered in the middle of the old part of the city. Unconsciously, I have found myself in that lovely café to fill my desire of eating something…
It was already dark and the street lamb on the corner of one of the side-roads was blinking as it does every night. I have been visiting this café nearly twice a day since the man, who has my hearth has gone far far away. To tell the truth, it was he who made me recognize this café, but he never liked to sit here, though we have come here only once. However, there is something here that attracts me.
This cute place is placed in opposite of the junction of two small side-roads, where no cars are allowed and always give me the feeling as if I was in the city, where I was borned, which used to have these kinds of roads and wooden chaired cafés like the one I am in now has. This small area in the junction is full of these kinds of places, which are mostly for the students since this town is a “university town”.
As the street lamp kept on blinking to me, I open my book to read, as there is nothing better to do. Damn! I can not concentrate on it. Then I decide to read the other one I have brought with me. Mystic dreams, blank dreams, which will never come true… They are all dreams on the lost hopes… They are all blank dreams like the ones I have been dreaming since I am aware of myself…Since I have lost my innocence…
Before the salad I have ordered came my Weizer bier and I am very busy with it as well as my book until that couple comes and sits beside me. A pretty man with a cute woman… Both are red haired and as white as a sheet of paper. The man is shorter than the woman with glasses on is. They are nearly in the same age and as far as I can observe from their speech with the waitress, they were tourists in this country.
My attention turns from my “blank dreams” to them, who seem having “real dreams.” Red haired man is talking about languages and the woman seems that she is annoyed with this conversation. He seems that he has been talking for ages on the same subject.
“Why didn’t we go to that restaurant that we had reservation?”, asks woman interrupting man’s lecture on languages.
“I don’t know.”, he says in a tone of whispering.
“What?”
“I dono…”

Then a very long and annoying silence appears in between them. Woman seems very annoyed of something. She is very beautiful with her long and red hair. She is taller than the man is and her appearance gives me the feeling that she is in control of everything around her including the red haired man. I am the one, who breaks the silence in order to want them to pass me the salt.

“Lets go to Amsterdam this weekend!”, says man as if he has just remembered a spoken idea.
“Maybe. But I also want to go to Italy. So, I can practice my Italian a bit. I hope you have had enough of German.”
“Well…”

In that moment I wanted to tell these couple, who have this great desire to learn a language that I know three languages in order to make them a bit disappointed. But, somehow I didn’t do it…
I keep on reading my book… My attention towards the couple is vanished as they are eating their “kartoffel” in silence. The silence of theirs is a bit irritating silence, which the loving couples usually have when they do not want to break each other’s hearth.
Rain is starting to show itself again, though people in the café are not in the mood of taking it seriously. However, the ones sitting on the edge of the shelter of the café must have been disturbed of the rain falling into their food. So they move a bit, making all of us squeezed in the shelter. The couple, whom I share the table with, also move. Now we are closer… But I am far far away…

“You know what?”, asks the woman.
“Who?”, is the answer of the man, who doesn’t even dare to raise his head from the magazine he has been reading since the time they stated to eat.
“Stop it, will you?”
“I was just teasing you.”

Silence is golden in these situations…

“Sometimes I miss you a lot.”, says the woman in a rather sad manner.
“How come? I am always beside you…”
“No you are not. Your mind is in somewhere else.”
“Really? I thought, I was with you.”
“I need to have another beer. Can you ask the waitress?”
“Entschuldigung! Können wir noch ein Weizer nehmen? Danke!”
“Thanks.”
“Am I with you now?”
“C’mon, you understood what I meant…”
“Yes, but that is me. I think, you have been used to me for three years of relationship.”

I start to listen to them again. Because their conversation is becoming a little bit of irritating reality to me and I could not manage to concentrate on my blank dream. For a moment I wanted to have kind of dialogue with my love. Why not?
Turning back to my couple, they seem a bit strange to me that even after a long relationship, their attitude towards each other is like a two little highschool lovers, whom were going out and experiencing the two unlike creatures of earth – man and woman- for the first time. A bit of conversation, then a long silence as if they are thinking what should be said afterwards. It is a rather innocent, untouched couple, maybe…

“ Well, if you are talking about my attitude when I am at work, you should know that it is not ignoring you. I just have to work.” ,says the man in an unexpected
moment that both the woman and I turned our heads towards the man with a surprise. This is the first time, he was opening up a conversation…

“We are working in the same and I am as busy as you are. So I do not mean that. I really wonder what is going to happen to us when you move. How much we will see each other?”
“Do not worry, we will…”
“When?How?”
“I dono. But I am sure that we will miss each other in a REAL WAY. However, first of all we should decide where to go next. I must tell you that I do not want to go to Italy.”
“But I want to, I have to and I am going to.”
“I want to visit my friends in Munich. So, I am going to take the train from Stuttgart to Munich tomorrow.”
“Did you tell them that you are coming?”
“ Sure I did… In fact, it was them who gave me the idea of visiting them. I told them if we go to Amsterdam, I can not. But since you do not want to, I am going to.”
“Well do whatever you want to do…”

The last sentence of the woman was uttered in an
unwilling attitude. There appeared an annoying atmosphere, that I thought it is better to leave them alone.
It took me a long while to pay, as the waitress is very busy tonight. The atmosphere still hangs around the table. No words, no gestures, just an irritating silence… As I am trying to pass through the squeezed tables in order to get out, I face with the tears falling down the cheeks of the woman. She also murmurs to herself. The man is still busy with his magazine not recognizing the state of the woman.
I speak with my friends on the phone. Friendly voices, loving voices make me get rid of the dumb stuff, which keeps me in between dream and reality. However, it is still raining and I am still alone. Suddenly I had the idea that even the phone is an illusion – a blank dream-. I decide to have a ‘Cider’ in order to get rid of my own thoughts.
Irish café was near to the university, where I was having my courses. The last time I was there, I had the man I love with me and was telling him that when I looked outside through the door, I had the illusion of rain out on the street as if somebody was going to enter the café suddenly shaking his or her umbrella. He went to his home the next day. It has been raining since then.
Irish café is terribly crowded. I take a seat in one of the corners. No Cider, so Guinness! There is a blues in the air. I am still in a blank dream. The image of the crying woman is still with me. In an unexpected moment, the wooden floor takes my attention. Yes, it is wooden and is making noise as people walk on. I still hear the blues in an Irish café. I slowly raise my head up, praying to find it. YES,YES,YES!!! It is there. The moth attached to the ceiling turning with the rhythm of the music. It is the blues image, which I have been searching for ages. It is the image, which made travel and come here. It is the image that has been keeping me in between dream and reality. And the image is here. My ever-lasting dream is here. My blank dream is here!

JDA’99

JADI © JEDI august/agustos 1999

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